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31 July 2011

The Beginning of Becoming a Transman


It's been forever since I have been able to write here. I feel like my life has become so insignificant that it ain't worth a few words on a virtual journal. Then again, I have been so busy that I have no time to write.
Things in my life has started to take a very strange, exciting and bold turn. For the first time in my life I have decided to do something about being a female-to-male (FTM) transgendered person. All this while I have only just had girlfriends and explained my gender issues to whoever would take the time to understand and listen.

However a trip to Saigon changed my life. I shall write more about insearchofSaigon in my next post but for now, just how the trip changed my life. Check here for pictures. Sadly I'm not in most pictures cause I was taking them.

Everyone called me Audrey at the begining of the trip though Nadia and Lochna were the only 2 out of three people who call me by an androgeneous name 'Jamie' thanks to Ada from Australia. Then out of the blue, Sabrina asked if I would like to be called Jamie and use male pronouns on me on the first few days of the trip. I was of course surprised. Then on a different occassion, Farah asked the same thing. I knew then something had leaked from Loe or Nadia. But, I was not upset. Their concern and sensitivity made me welcome the change.

Thus, when we went to Mekong Delta, news had already spread throughout the group that I am a transman and that I would like people to use male pronouns on me and in fact I was more than welcoming a male name.

After some thought, deliberation and trials, finally everyone settled on the name Nathaniel, in short, Nate. It came at the best of times because I had just bought a chest binder thanks to some extra moolah I scraped together, from Double-T.

So, in Vietnam, I tried out the humble beginnings of being a dude. I pulled it of somewhat until I go to the washroom. My nightmare because I cannot decide which to go to, the gents or ladies. And I realize whichever I go into, there will be stares. In Vietnam, I didn;t care but now back in Monash, things aren't going as smoothly as I would like it to so I have been using the handicapped washroom.

Today I learned about STP devices or Stand-to-Pee devices that allow me to well, stand and pee. I am considering getting down to using one. I didn't know transition was so difficult.

Next step is gonna be a huge one. Testosterone.

26 May 2011

If I could...


If I could make a wish...
Boy, would I wish so many things.

If I could...
I would have sang to you at your bedside...
I would have read you Psalms...
I would have written for you to read.

If I could...
I would have turned back time...
I would have spoken to you more...
I would have cared more.

If I could...
I would have sung at your funeral...
I would have ignored my parents and went back...
I wouldn't have missed your funeral.

If I could...
I would have told you I loved you too.

I can't...can I?
Not now...
Not anytime soon...
Perhaps not ever.

If I could...

03 March 2011

Superb Day!!!

I got a D3100 Nikon from my girlfriend.

I got 3 t-shirts which are super cheap...seriously!

I found out I passed post-co!

13 January 2011

How to roll your own cigarettes

Disclaimer: This is NOT meant to encourage smoking. It's merely a blogpost.

As of late, instead of saving time and hassle, I've begun to roll my own cigarettes.

Why?

Simply because it IS a HASSLE and it IS TIME CONSUMING. Therefore, I would be put off whenever I crave a puff because smoking has become altogether one very troublesome process.

It is also considerably cheaper, if it's a no-frills rolling.

But, then again, I always go the "extra-mile".

_____

First, we start out with a roller.

Now the thing about rollers is, if you have steady hands to roll, it really isn't at all necessary.

Unfortunately, thanks to certain arm-strengthening contraption, I'm stricken with Carpal Tunnel Syndrome on my left hand and a recovering-after-release-procedure, right hand.

Everything I bought here comes from Kamelah at Queensbay Mall, Lower Ground, Center Court.

This roller is by Smoking a cigarette rolling paper brand from Spain. It is one of the earliest smoking paper factories.

Smoking not only produces rolling papers, but an array of products like the rolling machine (which I bought), filters (which I also purchased) and other cigarette related products like cases and tubes.

Of course there are other brands out there such as Zig-Zag. However, I chose Smoking simply because it looked nicer than the very plastic looking one from Zig-Zag.

As you can see it looks pretty nice with stainless-steel instead of just plastic.

A little dusty cause I've been using it. (",)


Currently in Malaysia, there aren't many places that sell tobacco. If I'm not mistaken Kamelah is the monopoly company for everything from Porsche lighters to Sampoerna kereteks.

Finding rolling tobacco isn't that daunting a task since 7-Eleven, KK Mart and Happy Marts carries Domingo and Harvest brands.

However when you want a little more than those two brands and flavours that aren't as common as Vanilla and Chocolate, Kamelah would be the best place to check out.

Below, as you can see, I purchased some Wildberry flavoured tobacco cause it smells so fruity, it's almost like I'm smoking a hookah.


Here's what you need to start rolling your own cigarettes and then some...

1. Smoking Regular Filters - RM 7.50 (pack of 100)
2. Smoking Rolling Machine - RM20
3. Harvest Rolling Tobacco (comes with rolling paper) - RM11.90 (probably 70-80 cigs)
4. Mantra Grape Flavoured Rolling Papers (also by Smoking) - RM 7.50 (50 leaves)


Now where was I? Oh, yes! The roller.

First, open the roller forward so the logo faces outwards.

You will see a valley in the middle.

At the far left of the valley, place a filter as below.


The tobacco by Harvest is already one of Von Eicken's special fine cut tobacco.

However, I find it a little too large when I pack it and not to mention it burns a little too inconsistently.

So, I usually get out some paper and ready a scissors and snip the tobacco slightly finer.

Here's the before.


And here's the after.

Can't really see the difference but trust me, it burns way differently.


Now, back to the rolling machine.

What happens is directly after the filter, start filling in the tobacco to the end.

Make sure it is not too tightly or too loosely packed.

A loosely packed cigarette rolls into a small tube which looks like an anorexic fag.

And if it's too tightly packed, you would blow a lung trying to suck out the smoke.

Here's a nicely filled one.

Right after filling it, push the valley lower and bring the cover back to its original position.

This should cover the roller furthers from you.

Roll the front roller downwards one full cycle.

Next, get a rolling paper and with the glue strip at the top facing you, insert the bottom part of the paper between the two rollers.

Yes, I know, I know!

The paper looks damn girly!

But it smells better than Hubba Bubba!


With the paper slightly wedged in between the two rollers, slowly pull downward the roller closest to you.

When the paper is nearing the glue strip, moisten the strip with your tongue and continue rolling a little more till you can feel a proper cigarette tube being formed between the rollers.

And WHALLA!


Front view.


As I mentioned earlier that I'm a little 'extra', I bought a secondary filter.

I have been rolling with double filters because it was a little hard on my throat when I first rolled my own ciggies.

I just bought the secondary filters for RM 20 which contains one holder and 8 filters good for 120 cigarettes.

With all the hassle, from 7 sticks a day, I'm down to at most 4 sticks a day.

Here's the cigarette with the extra filter.


It comes in a nice slick case.

Made in Japan.


Here's a closeup of my Mantra grape.

It fits perfectly in a slide below the rolling machine for convenience.


I'm hoping to cut smoking completely by slowly cutting down stick by stick.

On the downside (for my health)/ upside (cause I always wanted one), I bought myself a hookah!

C'est la vie!

23 December 2010

She sees faces everywhere.

Ying can be creepy!

She seems to see a face in everything.

Do you see what she sees?

Check out below.








Creepy right?

This isn't even half of it!

VII: ...random randomness...

At the Curve Damansara, I encountered something I have never before.

Love at first sight!

I couldn't take my eyes off.

Simple yet elegant and sporty all rolled into a superb package.

No, it isn't someone.

It's a watch from French Connection.

Below, the one right smack in the middle.

Love it!

You may not think much of it but boy, oh boy, I do!


I did go back when I had the cash to perhaps buy it but, damn someone beat me to it.

Emo-ness!

On an entirely different (that's why this blogpost is called 'random'), Deepak, Ying and I went to a place called Tutti Frutti.

It's a self-service shop that sells frozen yogurt.

It works like this...

Take a paper cup, fill it with whatever flavour you want, put some topping and get it weighed in.

So, like little kids, we went all excited and got ourselves yummy frogurt.

The price for 2 cups?

RM54!!!

MADNESS!!!

Even JCo gives so much more for so much less!

The worst part...

It wasn't even that great!

JCo ROCKS!


When I do have the mood and time, I usually cook.

This is the last meal I cooked in KL before coming back to Penang.

Ying and Loe's favourite!

Spaghetti ala pork!

NO BEEF!

NO BEEF!

NO BEEF!


Did I tell you that I learned swimming?

Yup, that's right.

Ying has been coaching me...in the baby pool!

I managed to learn how to move forward.

But I still have difficulty learning breathing techniques.

I do go to the adult pool now and then and try my best.

Still phobic but I am determined to learn!


Me in the kids pool.

Yes, it's that shallow.


Monopoly Deal has become very much a part of our lives since Regina introduced it to us last year.

My car has a deck of Monopoly Deal, Uno and poker cards...amongst other weird things like paper cups, lotsa wet tissues and...you know what? I don't really know what's in my glove compartment!

But yeah, when we play it in the room, I'm usually in weird positions.

The one below is called the roasted chicken position by Ying.

Really meh?!?!?


Before Ying and I left, we had dinner with Loe at the Gardens, Curve Damansara.

See! Ying is eating pasta again!

Always pasta!!!


Loe wanted a pic with the Avatar guy but was too shy!

LOL!

Ying tricked her and pretended to be in the pic while slowly inching away!


I also bought Ying a new phone.

Sort of an early birthday gift.

Guess which is hers?


The Xperia x10 mini.

It's not bad la the price.

RM 890 if I remember correctly.

Original...not AP!

Sadly the back cover only came in white and another in pink!

I got myself a BlackBerry Curve.

And loving it!

Well, goodbye for now KL!

Till the end of February.


Vol VI: Malacca...again...and again...and again...

Date: 30/9/2010
Place: Malacca

It really seems like every year a MUST be made to the old heritage town be it for food or just visiting museums. Lately it's been mostly about food...I must admit.

So this year, Ying, Loe and Regina was my entourage to Malacca.

We first made our mandatory stop to have Chicken Rice Balls.


It's kinda the first trip, be it short or long to anywhere with Ying.


With Loe around, it became kinda a housemate thing.

No I'm not complaining because I invited Regina to come along too.

Here is the chicken.

And NO! I'm not trying to strangle Ying. It just looks that way.


Here's Loe and Regina makaning.


And my dear.


The food.


And ME!


Damn! Deepak!!! When are we gonna hit the gym? I'm twice Ying's size already!


Here's where we makaned the chicken rice ball.


As we walked onto Jonker Street, we passed a printing mill.

Was too shy to go in and ask to take pictures so I just took one from outside.


I know, I'm a little weird but I really had to take a picture of the public toilet!

Loe made her stop there.


Regina bought a sun hat and looked all touristy while Ying and Loe just looked like...themselves.


Next stop, the laksa and cendol place.

I keep choosing the same seat every time I visit this place. Dunno why also.


Ying and I kinda shared a cendol.

Loe had her own.


So did Regina.


Ying received terrible news as we were playing Monopoly Deal.

What the news is is not suitable for disclosure here.


I had the Nyonya laksa.


The happy couple.


This time around, we did something different.

We went to a pub and had Hoegaarden and Tiger (ya la, I'm a cheapskate!).

I ended up having both cause Loe hates drinking.

Lucky me! :D


Even Ying had a whole pint to herself.


Loved the trip.

Next year, I'll take another.

Fingers crossed.

Vol V:...some Indian...some Chinese...some me...

Date: 27/9/2010 - 29/9/2010
Place: Taipan and Sunway Pyramid

Although it's very usual to drive around KL, somehow driving to somewhere near like Taipan has never really been in our itinerary.

So when I found a Nirvana's in Taipan, I just had to go there. Of course the yummy Indian sweets was one of the pulling factors. Unfortunately, they were out of Laddu and that's like my ONLY favourite Indian sweet.

We stayed for dinner tho.


He kept moving! I think he was a little camera shy. But here he is serving us curry and vegetables.


And rice.


Loe decided to eat with her fingers.

We opted out.


Ying isn't much of a fan of spicy food but somehow she managed to eat that night.


Mmmmm....mutton, chicken....fried bitter gourd.



Loe and Ying had mango lassi. Honestly, I HATE lassi...so masala tea it was for me.

Two days after we went to Pyramid and had Chinese herbal tea.


I was kinda out of fresh shirts to wear when Ying asked me to see if the shirt fits.....

It was a tiny baby-T...and of course it didn't!


Yup...not even a little.